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[Jun. 8th, 2006|12:47 pm] |
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So I went to my mom's and got on the scale she is in the hospitle so I knew she would not be home. Only her husband was there so I drove around and all kinds of stuff waiting for the time he would finally leave and I thought he would never leave so I could get on the scale. As expected I was not happy with it, not only am I not thin enough I didn't loose as much as I was hoping to have lost in the past week. Well, it looks like I have to do something different. I'll have to fight to have more days like yesterday where I ate a turkey sandwhich but got rid of it and walked 2 miles plus a lot of other very active things. Also a good amount of caffine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|02:30 pm] |
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it's been a while since i have posted. oh my...... well, i think i am being successful at loosing weight but i don't have a scale. when i go to my mom's she has a scale. as of the last time i checked weight was going down and since then i am doing more and more. i wasn't sure if i was ana or mia. it seemed like this time i was going to be ana and i am but some mia also. i know i don't need to live like this and i shouldn't go ana and i should go recovery but a girl has to have something ...... i have something and get to loose weight all in one. hmm yeah....... today i ate a turkey sandwhich but i got rid of it and i walked 2 miies before i ate..... exercise it away... i'm going to try to get out of eating any other times today... i have to be careful about it right now. i am still seeing my counselor. i know it seems like i would be against recovery maybe and only want ana but well part of me knows i need to get back to recovery but for now that is not where i am |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2006|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
I did good with no food until late tonight when I had 230 calories in chocolate. then I had about 100 calories in cheeze its. i was zoning on the juice i had today so i feel like i did horrible today. i will be back tomarrow. fatty signing out for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2006|10:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  freakin fatty!! | ] |
ERRRRRRGGGGGG!!! This morning I had a few bites of BBG and then did a good job at not eating all day. Then late tonight I was a pig and ate. I want to throw up so bad but the bathroom is so close to everyone and I can't do it all the time with no noise. I am such a fatty and I am so mad I gave in to food. I am so angry at myself about it. I need to stick my finger down my throat and get rid of it all. I just have to say what I want so bad and call myself a freakin pig!!! I'll never loose weight this way I will just stay a freakin fatty!!! Nasty fat!!! I hate fat and I hate hate hate food!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2006|10:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
oh I am confused. I don't know where I belong. I am not fully ana I don't think although I joined an ana thing on here and I keep looking at them and ana icons a pics... but even though i am not fully ana i don't know if i can say i am in recovery I don't know what to think or do. I am just confused. It's like in a way I want to restrict and all and say I am not ana.......... ummm maybe i am not...... that's what I keep thinking......... i am confused and don't know what i am........ like that is new news............ errrrrrrggggggggggg............ I keep thinking I am not ana and other times I think ana here I am and I don't kknow whaat I think or feel or anything............. i do know I am not going to leave counseling....... i tell her about looking at pics and everything. hmmmmmmmmm yeah i don't know |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2006|05:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
I was in recovery but now I don't know what I am. A friend asked me is it ed that wants you or do you want ed. I was angry and said I want it ok I do!! I want something!! I feel like being ana I should do a better job but a part of me is like your going to disappoint everyone going back to ana. It's not like I am not always in the way and stuff anyway so another part of me thinks, why does it matter if i disappoint them. Not that I don't care for them and I know it hurts them but sometimes we have to have something. I am fat and I will be thin!! I hate food!! If I could be by myself I don't know that I would eat and I think I would throw up and stuff. All I can think is it would feel so good to throw up or to be able to accomplish a day with no food or just an extream low number in calories. I did it before and I will do it again some how some way. I find myself confused at times of what I am doing and is this right. I am a Christian and I know God wouldn't want this for me but well yeah..... I have a counselor I actually don't have her when I am at school I only have her when I am home from college. The thing is I want ana so bad but I know that some day I need to allow a complete healing to happen and if not now then when. I mean yeah someday I can say but I have seen that some day and now I am turning my back from it. I am just desperate. I am disqusting and fat is what I keep thinking. Good thing inside is all numb and I don't fully know what I think or feel about things. It's nice my smile can hide what lies behind my eyes. I don't understand this and I don't know why I see things this way it is not the way it should be. I feel like a failure even more. I know I am suppose to trust God and the way people talk about it and say things just makes me feel like even more of a screw up. I don't know I just know something has to make everything go away, even the things I do not know. |
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